its midday day two, 48 hours to pickup and we’re locked outside a church. We make a call, find a place nearer to the Shopping Mall. I know that if Nosebleed was here he’d be like ‘don’t go near the effing Shopping Mall!’ he’s read a zombie survival guide and so he knows stuff.
well, we should go anyway. dunno where tho. there’s a car nearby, none of us have the keys, but two of us can drive. doesn’t really solve the problem. lets have a go at hot wiring! i figure, cos my eyes are getting dry, that i should probably be hoarding some contact lenses ready for the next few days, there is a great disadvantage to wearing glasses. for one, the moment they get knocked away and lost is when i wouldn’t be able to see again – perhaps ever. also glasses are very uncomfortable… well, for some people, I’m one of them. so we mash wires together under the dashboard and lo the car starts! i let Mel drive and i go for another car, i wants a street race while i have the chance… on second thought, she’s a girl. i get in the car.
i formally request that we head to specsavers for i desire to horde contact lenses. on driving through the city center, and well, rebelliously driving the wrong way down some one way streets. We realize that the number of enemies has increased somewhat, there is only 5 feet of sidewalk between the road and specsavers but the number of old ladies, seemingly innocent shoppers, who have become running zombies is too great. it would take all of us to get upstairs to the contact lenses center in specsavers. and tho i was humorously holding my stick out of the window whilst rolling in the car to clothesline more zombies (clotheslining is my thing now), this weapon is not going to last forever. Mikey tried clotheslining zombies drive-by style with his Katana, the effect wasn’t the same, but the effect was effective.
as we arrive at the glasses store we make another call, this is not a good idea. we’re at the heart of the Leicester city Center, for the sake of pure drama zombies are actually scaling the famous Clock Tower. we follow the road on, we need better weapons, then we shall return, for i need eyes to see. ‘At Wickes Leicester you will find everything you need to complete your home improvement projects at low prices. Our friendly store team are on hand to give help and advice’ and so it is, as Wickes is only down the road. we reckon they have Chainsaws!
Wickes is in a retail park of many big stores, PCWorld are finally selling they’re products at more reasonable prices, free for looting is generally closer to the reasonable retail price than three times the value. we don’t have time for PCWorld, the sun will set soon. yes Ed would like a new motherboard becos his computer is not working. there’s a nice once bearing 4gigs of RAM and a Quad Core processor just by the window. “Wow that’s Specifically fast!” but Ed, this is a zombie apocalypse. While me and Tall one where debating machine stats and what we could do to pimp our rigs (man i miss Katie, it’s only been 6 hours, but oh), Mikey and Mel were already in Wickes hunting down our future hunting down toys. Funnily enough, they got to the Gardening tools before us, not just becos they went in first, but becos by the tiem Me and Ed were walking in, the ‘friendly store team’ had just made it to the door meaning we had to fight our way in. I’m quite good with my Stick, as a team we do a good one-two where i hit one in the head rly rly hard in Ed’s direction and then he stabs them in the brain, or decapitates them (depends which way they fall) with the big knife from our kitchen.
Makes me wonder, Zombies have brains too, why don’t they eat each other. something tells me my instinct yesterday was correct, this is racial abuse, but are Zombies a race?
Anyhow, the guys return from the Gardening tools area with hedge trimmers, one for each of us, and a hosepipe, apparently they don’t have chainsaws in Wickes. “What is the hosepipe for?” i ask gracefully.
“these hedge trimmers are gas powered, let us siphon some gas from the cars in this parking lot to fuel them up!”
“Good thinking Spartacus!” we spend the next half hour filling up our hunting down toys. Mel’s Hedge trimmer is bigger is her, I’m surprised she can lift it, but she does. i wonder if I’m sexist. i also wonder why in such a popular retail park we haven’t been run at by zombie hordes. i suppose it is Monday, and technically it is still office hours. that means lots of zombies are in the office buildings… note to self, avoid call centers.
Now just with my last thoughts, and in such a huge car park, we hear the sound, and see the sight, and smell the smell, of dozens, yae even hundreds of Zombies rushing in from the direction of the city center. they really want to kill us, or make a really over-the-top happy slapping video. anyhow, now is a good time to get back in the car. we’ve filled up our toys, even did a spare couple of jerrycans to help on on the road. loaded the trunk. with gas. and the car with ourselves, bearing our weapons. I take the driving position. Mel drives like a girl. yeah, maybe i am sexist!
now having turned the vehicle to face the exit, i say something cool like “buckle your seat belts!” but that’s not actually what i said. then i hit the gas pedal and we mowed them futhamuckers down. the car hit them really hard and fast, the lads had their chainsaws stic, sorry hedge trimmers, sticking out their windows. it was bloody, but cool. i was worried the windscreen wiper was gonna fail, but it did wonders on the blood splatters. i made it up to the city center again and i hit the breaks in such a way that the car span right into a parking position outside specsavers. again that’s not actually what happened, but i parked outside specsavers.
The door was open. it’s never busy in there. we only had to take out the undead forms of about 3 customers and 3 members of staff… on the ground floor. then a further waiting room of dead people upstairs being catered by an assistant and an eyeball professional. they were all runners mind you, rather scary, but my hedge trimmer knows no fear. an intelligent thing to consider is how strange it was that the customers at Spacsavers were able to run right at you, generally they are consumers there because they cant see very well. hmmm.
it’s 5pm. the sun will set soon. we’d rather not be out at night time. that’s retarded, like zombies are retarded. we’re not zombies, and we’re not retarded. or retarded zombies. I find my -1.75pwr lenses, there’s only 5 boxes left, but that’s 2 and a half months of daily disposable lenses, and a whole saving of 55pounds – I’m not complaining, we just threw the bodies of the staff out the window. we’re upstairs. it’s best to barricade the stairs, for while we are sleeping, the horde outside will populate the open area downstairs. we’re camping out in the glasses store tonight. not as safe an idea as the church, but its nearer to our rescue point. the windows are barricaded too and because of the examination rooms we get a bedroom each. we don’t sleep in the chairs though. opticians chairs are not as comfortable as dentists chairs.
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