I do strive to be good, not to suggest i succeed always, but if i am a student, i will be a great student, if i am an employee, i will be a pride to my employer, if i am a son, i will honour my father, and when i am a father, i will raise my child to a full life in Christ. the same applies to being a boyfriend, fiancee or husband. i will confidently tell you now that my wife (if any) will be one of the happiest in marriage there will be, if i cant promise that to her i will not marry her.
So i long to honour God. and i long to be an amazing partner. but at this time i may not do both. this means my envy is testing my faith, not just because of the dilemma, but because of the envy.
My desire should not be to be with a girl, i know that, it is to love and serve the Lord with all my heart with all my strength and all my soul… perhaps my envy is especially so compromising when i observe other couples who do not desire God so, yet still have been blessed with one another. yea even christians as well as my unsaved friends. but why the desire to be with a girl, i have asked God for so long to take this desire away from my heart (after asking God for so long to bless me with a partner with no results!). am i praying for the wrong thing? am i just not ready? am i doing something wrong? what am i doing wrong? and i am a big boy i will accept yes as the answer if that is the truth (even for that last question, i accept it on the basis that it makes no sense and constitutes surreal humor). It is seeking the truth that brought me to know the Lord Jesus Christ, and seeking the truth which brings me here.
There is another problem though and this is where is does get personal. when i was with my first, last, and only girlfriend (she will not be named but some of you closer to me know whom), at the begining of this year we exchanged declarations of our love to each other. those three word which i dont need to recite here. when i say something like that i mean it, they are pretty big words. not just to my girlfriend but to anybody. if i ever tell you that i love you, it is because i have a genuine love for you. for example, my fellow writers on this blog, Nosebleed, Keca, Ed and Warrior i love them (guys, i love you). and if i did not mean it or i was implicating it superficially, i just would not say it.
But she said it to me… and she did not mean it, she lied to me and i know because she told me a few weeks later after we broke up. this broke my heart, and made me angry, this got me testing my relationship with God too, because he told me he loves me too and even today i am not so sure he does because of someone elses human error. and also the fact that i do not deserve to be loved.
how will i ever know that i am loved. i have a strange inclination to be with (spend the rest of my life with) a girl who does not speak english. i figure, if she cannot tell me that she loves me, then she cannot lie to me. this makes sense in my head, it does not have to in yours.
I long to be loved.
does not God also.
i love God, but to say i did that with all my heart (i do) with all my strength (not so much) and all my soul (i don´t know how), would be a lie. i don´t agree that it is physically possible. i have been told that it is possible to use your life for God through secular work, in this example by making milkshakes. but i dont feel like i am loving God, i feel like i am making milkshakes. i make the milkshakes to earn money (and spend time with my co-workers whom i love genuinely), to pay my bills and give to church, taxes and friends through gifts. which in turn just let me go on with life to carry on making milkshakes. i am in what is known as ¨rat race¨ earning enough to live enough to earn enough to live. a rich man is not in rat race, he earns more than he needs to live. from my perspective, a child of God Almighty should not be in rat race either, he should earn less so that God can provide for him. i´m a bit radical when it comes to money. but trust me, God is here, and God sustains, I know it first hand and i love him with all my heart.
until i learn how to love God with all my strength and all my soul, like all the couples i know do (in theory….. dont use therories), i shouldn expect to be loved at all. i shall now then, carry on making milkshakes during work and considering cutting myself in my free time but not actually doing it because i love God. i´m in another one-way relationship… i have been here before, but this time it is with God…
but the love man. there is no point to this writing, other than i want a wife and chips. but how can God love someone, he shouldn´t. if you are a christian, you already know that, if not, you probably know most people are jerks anyway (hi) and shouldn be loved. i dont know what to do about this desire i have. even when it comes to praying i dont even know what to say. and i have the privelige, not everybody does, of communicating with the creator and sustainor of the universe.
I want to be with a girl
and i like fries.
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